I've decided, in lieu of lengthy analysis, to just pick out passages of note and present them with my increasingly horrified commentary. Also, in order to keep the post length down, I've split it into two halves. The first part will cover the first thirteen chapters, and I'll post the second next week with the rest.
So here it is - my thoughts on Fifty Shades of Grey, chapters 1-13...
Chapter One
Kate is my roommate, and she has chosen today of all days to succumb to the flu. Therefore, she cannot attend the interview she'd arranged to do, with some mega-industrialist tycoon I've never heard of, for the student newspaper. So I have been volunteered.Apparently no one else works on the newspaper with Kate...
He's tall, dressed in a fine gray suit, white shirt, and black tie with unruly copper-colored hair and intense, bright gray eyes that regard me shrewdly.So...many...adjectives...
Chapter Two
"I could always take [my clothes] off." He smirks.
"Um." I feel the color in my cheeks rising again. I must be the color of The Communist Manifesto.Okay, I'll hand that one to E.L.James - I have never seen the flush of someone's embarrassment be likened to Marxist theory before. I feel there's a good reason for that, but still...points for originality there.
Chapter Three
I pop the teabag into the teapot and almost immediately fish it out again with my teaspoon. As I place the used teabag back on the side plate, he cocks his head, gazing quizzically at me.
"I like my tea black and weak," I mutter as an explanation.That is such a waste of a teabag. There is no point to that. She made a point of declaring the particular brand of tea was her favourite but I have no idea how she's distinguished it from others because she has never actually tasted it properly oh my god why am I so angry about this?
I have to try to reassemble my thoughts. I have to get away from him. I walk forward and I trip, stumbling headlong into the road.This is the second time she's fallen over in three chapters. This woman is a danger to herself.
Chapter Four
"How did you find me?"
"I tracked your cellphone, Anastasia."
Oh, of course he did. How is that possible? Is it legal? Stalker, my subconscious whispers at me through the cloud of tequila that's still floating in my brain, but somehow, because it's him, I don't mind.No. No, it is definitely NOT legal, what the fuck?
Also, her subconscious...well first of all, her subconscious sounds an awful lot like actual conscious thought. But her 'subconscious' is absolutely correct to point out that Christian's a stalker. He's literally just tracked her down like he would a lost pet - all because she drunk-dialled him?
But of course, she doesn't mind! Why would she mind? It's a handsome rich guy stalking her, so it's fine.
I can't decide whether I'm more disturbed by his lack of boundaries or Ana's lack of self-preservation instincts, tbh...
Chapter Five
He's not a dark knight at all but a white knight in shining, dazzling armor - a classic romantic hero - Sir Gawain or Sir Lancelot.A classic romantic hero??? This girl has spent the last four years studying English literature, and Christian 'I tracked your cellphone' Grey is what she considers to be a classic romantic hero?
There are not enough desks in the world for me to bash my head against, I swear to god...
I climb out of the shower and grab two towels. I put my hair in one and wrap it Carmen Miranda style on my head.So...did she put fruit in there or something?
Christian is sitting at a dining table on the other side of the room reading a newspaper. It's the size of a tennis court or something...Wait, so is it the newspaper, the dining table or the room that's the size of a tennis court?
I hope it's the newspaper...
"Because I'm not going to touch you, Anastasia - not until I have your written consent to do so." His lips hint at a smile.I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that he's probably going to touch her without written consent...
"Eat what's on your plate. If you'd eaten properly yesterday, you wouldn't be here, and I wouldn't be declaring my hand so soon." His mouth sets in a grim line. He looks angry.My favourite part about this one is the way he's making his behaviour sound like her fault, it's really great. Super great. Not at all a red-flag in terms of emotionally abusive tendencies...
"Oh, fuck the paperwork," he growls. He lunges at me, pushing me against the wall of the elevator. Before I know it, he's got both of my hands in one of his in a viselike grip above my head, and he's pinning me to the wall using his hips.WHAT DID I SAY???
(also 'viselike' isn't a word.)
Chapter Six
I have to convince Kate that this is what I want to do. For some strange reason, she doesn't trust [Christian]...Kate has good instincts. I like Kate.
"Do you want to sit?"
I nod, and he takes my hand and leads me to the large off-white couch. As I sit, I'm struck by the fact that I feel like Tess Durbeyfield looking at the new house that belongs to the notorious Alec d'Urberville. The thought makes me smile.Why? Why does that comparison make her smile? That's not a positive thing???
"Why did you give me Tess of the d'Urbervilles specifically?" I ask.
[...]
"It seemed appropriate. I could hold you to some impossibly high ideal like Angel Clare or debase you completely like Alec d'Urberville," he murmurs, and his eyes flash dark and dangerous.
"If there are only two choices, I'll take the debasement," I whisper, gazing at him.OH GOD IT GOT WORSE...
Fun fact: the 'debasement' they're so flirtatiously referring to is what's widely interpreted as a motherfucking rape scene!!!
Chapter Seven
I wander to the far corner of the room and pat the waist-high padded bench and run my fingers over the leather. He likes to hurt women. The thought depresses me.No shit, it depresses me too!
"You're a virgin?" he breathes. I nod, flushing again. He closes his eyes and looks to be counting to ten. When he opens them again, he's angry, glaring at me.
"Why the fuck didn't you tell me?" he growls.She just did? That's the first time her level of sexual experience has come up in conversation. Why is he so angry? What, was she supposed to just announce it at their first meeting as a preface to the rest of their interactions? What the fuck does it matter anyway? Her stunning levels of naivety should be of more pressing concern, and she's shown ample examples of that already. Jeez...
Chapter Eight
"Aargh!" I cry as I feel a weird pinching sensation deep inside me as he rips through my virginity.Oh good, we're finally at the awful, awful sex scenes! I'm assuming the 'virginity' that's being ripped through is her hymen. Which is just such a delightfully violent way of describing it.
"See how you taste," he breathes against my ear. "Suck me, baby." His thumb presses on my tongue[...] I taste the saltiness on his thumb and the faint metallic tang of blood. Holy fuck. This is wrong, but holy hell is it erotic.Wow. So. First of all: I will never feel clean again. Second of all: I'm not appreciating the association between her bleeding and the eroticism of the situation. At all. Also, thanks for the reminder of the whole 'rips through my virginity bit'...
[Edited 13/5/15 - it was pointed out to me that my initial reactions to these sex scenes were misinformed. I originally suggested that bleeding after first-time sex is not supposed to happen to girls and that its' normalcy is a myth. This is untrue. The myth lies in the idea that a girl should bleed after having sex for the first time, and that if she doesn't then she is not a virgin. Bleeding is not as commonplace as popular attitudes suggest, however it is not uncommon or unnatural, either. The entry has been amended to reflect this.]
Chapter Nine
I find two welcome hair ties at the same time in my bag and quickly tie my hair in pigtails. Yes! The more girly I look perhaps the safer I'll be from Bluebeard.Right, so we've already compared Christian to the obsessive rapist Alec d'Urberville, and now he's being likened to a pirate famous for murdering all of his wives???
Also don't even get me started on the pigtail thing. I mean there's being naive and then there's being wilfully stupid...
He gently pulls my pigtail.
"I love these," he whispers. "They won't protect you." Hmm, Bluebeard...This isn't even funny any more.
Seriously, for those unfamiliar with the tale of Bluebeard, just skim the Wikipedia entry and see how fucking monstrous he is as a character. Or 'sexy in a bad boy way' apparently, if you're E. L. James???
Chapter Ten
"I'll just make a call," I murmur. I just want to hear Kate's voice. He frowns.
"The photographer?" His jaw clenches and his eyes burn. I blink at him. "I don't like to share, Miss Steele. Remember that." His quiet, chilling tone is a warning, and with one long, cold look at me, he heads back to the bedroom.This is scary. This is a scary reaction. Possessive, irrational jealousy is not a good thing. It's a precursor to abuse. There is nothing romantic or healthy about a guy who wants you all to himself. Also no one made any mention of José whatsoever. Ana just wanted to call her best friend after an emotionally intense experience, which is perfectly natural. There was no reason for Christian to turn it into some aggressive display of marking his territory.
My subconscious glares at me, wagging her long, skinny finger, then morphs into the scales of justice to remind me he could sue if I disclose too much.Ah, it's that 'subconscious' again. I am beginning to suspect that Ana has some kind of personality disorder, because this 'subconscious' is beginning to sound an awful lot like a separate voice within her head. Also the whole 'shape-shifting into the scales of justice' thing is just making me picture a tiny cartoon version of Ana narrating events like in Lizzie McGuire.
There's also the reminder that Christian has managed to make her feel legally pressured into not talking to her friends and family about him. Which is super great...
Chapter Twelve
"I wondered what your bedroom would look like," he says.
I glance around it, plotting an escape route. No - there's still only the door or window.For context, I should mention that Ana has sent Christian an email where she 'jokes' that she's seen enough and that it was nice knowing him. (I know - she's hilarious.) Christian didn't understand that it was a joke - he thought it was her genuinely saying that the whole arrangement was too much for her and she was backing out. So of course instead of respecting that, or even sending an email back to check that she meant what he thought she meant - his immediate response was to turn up at her house uninvited and scare the crap out of her by appearing suddenly in her bedroom doorway.
You can tell how calm and collected he is by the fact that Ana is actively checking for escape routes. This is the girl who up till now has displayed the self-preservation instincts of a drunk lemming so you know shit's getting serious...
He bends and starts undoing one of my sneakers. Oh no...no...my feet. No. I've just been running.
"No," I protest, trying to kick him off.
He stops.
"If you struggle, I'll tie your feet, too. If you make a noise Anastasia, I will gag you..."Okay, see, this bit really fucking bothers me. She's protesting because she doesn't want him to smell her sweaty feet, but he doesn't know that. As far as he's concerned, she's saying 'No - I don't want to have sex any more' and he is ignoring that. He's carrying on regardless. He's effectively threatening her with further restraints - because her wrists are already immobilised at this point - if she doesn't shut up.
Do you know what that looks like to the casual observer, ladies and gentlemen?
That's right, it's fucking rape.
He's also angry. He's angry because of the email - which he still doesn't know was a joke. He's angry with her for having the audacity to try and break up with him. Essentially, he's fucking her back into line.
I actually feel a bit sick reading this now.
I've shocked Kate. I didn't think that was possible. I shrug apologetically.
"He uses sex as a weapon."
"Fuck you into submission?" [Kate] shakes her head disapprovingly.KATE GETS IT!!!
Chapter Thirteen
"You know this contract is legally unenforceable."
"I am fully aware of that Miss Steele."
"Were you going to tell me at any point?"
He frowns. "You'd think I'd coerce you into something you don't want to do, and then pretend that I have a legal hold over you?"
"Well...yes."I like how innocent he's playing it here. Why the hell would you refer to it as a contract if you weren't trying to imply some kind of legal binding?
Also props to Ana for working out that the contract is bullshit.
"Good." He smiles. "Now term. One month instead of three is no time at all, especially if you want a weekend away from me each month. I don't think I'll be able to stay away from you for that length of time. I can barely manage it now."Oh my god, they haven't even known each other for a week and already he's dictating how much time she gets to spend away from him.
But the thought of not seeing him again is agonizing. How has he gotten under my skin so quickly? It can't just be the sex...can it? I dash the tears from my eyes. I don't want to examine my feelings for him. I'm frightened what I'll uncover if I do. What am I going to do?Well, that sounds healthy...
I would also like to reiterate that they haven't even known each other for longer than a bloody week...
(Continued in PART TWO)
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